An expensive sandwich

A sandwich: Didn't cost £85.50A sandwich: Didn't cost £85.50Sandwiches - not a meal substitute per se, but a good way of consuming large amounts of food without any associated washing up. It is however a strange fact of life that invariably even the nastiest old cheese sandwich in damp bread prepacked sandwich has a cost at least 50 times what it would actually cost to make it. Bread and cheese that would cost micropennies to purchase separately somehow become much much more than their combined value when put together and enclosed in a plastic triangle.

It was reported today that Selfridges are upping the bread-on-bread stakes considerably by the introduction of what it proudly (?) claims is the UK's most expensive sandwich. The filling? Beef. Tasty. The cost? £85.50. Yes, eighty-five pounds fifty. Less palatable.

Pour quoi? Well, the beef is Wagyu beef, flown in everyday from Chile at 5:30am to ensure it's still fresh. "It is as near as you can get to flying the cow itself here" says Mr Farmer of Selfridges, as though that made it sound any better. Other needlessly posh ingredients include foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise and of course that most misnamed of plant material - "rocket".

Unfortunately the "chef" that created this ode to having too much money and not enough sense was called Mr McDonald; hence the sandwich is to be known as the "McDonald Sandwich". Avid readers will no doubt have noticed that this will render the Selfridges lunch special to have connotations with the sorts of "McDonald Sandwiches" that contain a cunning mixture of sewage, offal and spinal cord on a good day from our beloved restaurant of the great golden arches. At least there they only feed you rubbish. A Mr Venters, food director in Selfridges, embarrassed himself further by claiming that for food lovers, this £42.75-per-piece-of-bread sandwich represented "great value for money". This does not fill the Poorhouse with great confidence in the store's pricing policy.

Hail MaryHail MaryIt was however not the most expensive sandwich of all time. One example of the folly of the rich can be seen in the procurement of a cheese toastie for £14,800. This one, far from being flown in at 5AM today, was over a decade old. "Like a miracle" it developed no mold on in that time (co-incidentally it was placed in a no-doubt airtight container for this period) and contains the uniquely spiritual image of, yes, you guessed, it, the Virgin Mary. Perhaps this is lightening the true signifance. The eBay (where eles?) seller's ad claimed "I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother Of God". How a yet-to-be-invented stale old cheese toasty asked the innkeeper for a room 2000 years ago, let alone gave birth to a humanish child is unspecified.

Says Rowe, the new(ish) owner: "We believe that everyone should be able to see it and learn of its mystical power for themselves". The Poorhouse can only assume some sort of serious entrance fee is in operation.


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