Fun stuff

Stop Virgin (twice, slightly NSFW)

Now we live in a world where high-speed Internet access is almost as essential to modern rich-guy life as say water, net neutrality is a potential hot topic. Net neutrality refers to the historic practice of your ISP granting (kind of) equal access to the internet, no matter what you do with that access – subject to legality au naturelle. From Google's – who of course have a vested interest in this – guide:

Network neutrality is the principle that Internet users should be in control of what content they view and what applications they use on the Internet…the broadband carriers should not be permitted to use their market power to discriminate against competing applications or content.

The very definition of luxury

Tesco may basically own you and your planet, and indulges in an indecent amount of world-ruining evil-doing to please its share-holders whenever possible, but it seems it does share one Poorhouse trait - the concept of what constitutes luxury items.

Yes, the weekend was so fascinating it became necessary to flick through the illness-inducing nonsense that constitutes modern-day groceries just to keep the brain active. Imagine the Poor-joy when finding the "Special Occasion shelf" within the biscuit aisle. Surely this would be the nearest to heaven section available in Tesco, full of chocolate marshmallow caramel laden crunch beautiful oaty hobnoby goodness? YUM! Biscuits so tasty you could only rationally eat them on real down-to-earth special occasions, as their site claimed, must be god-damn fine, no? Well of course. The 2nd entry down on this shelf did indeed remind the Poorhouse of special times, and his agreement as to suitability is probably why people don't like to come visit all that much. See below for the glory.

Time to laugh at some children

It being mother's day - and full sympathy to any mothers - it seems rather appropriate to laugh at the inane efforts of the younger of the world's population.

And look at that...c/o of B3TA and some other sources, here is a link to Photo Basement's 41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments. And "hilarious" is a fair description.

Microsofty tidbits for work and pleasure

What could be more interesting on a weekend than an article about Microsoft Office? I know...a story about the most common aspects of it that everyone knows about anyway.

Those of you with recentish incarnations such as Office 2003 may be aware that unless you tell it not to, Office monitors (parts of) what you're doing and reports back to big bad Microsoft which collates this information, hopefully to inform their designers and developers rather than another step towards world domination. So guessy guess time: what were the most used commands in Word based on this data (circa 2006 anyway)?

Emergency Valentines day card

Cheapskate mofos, forgetful idiots, the Poorhouse is proud to point you in the direction of the ultimate Valentine's day cards to keep everything sweet with the wife / mistress. You still have at least 6 hours to download this, print out on the office printer, steal an envelope from the stationery cupboard and throw in the general direction of your intended.

And if you need some inspiration for what to put in it, the Poorhouse can heartily recommend the eighth poem down on the page which appears to be highly inaccurately titled "Short Funny Valentines Poems". Well, funny is as funny does one imagines, but the Poorhouse has laughed harder elsewhere.

Don't recycle things you don't own

Who doesn’t love "corporate social responsibility"? Yep, CSR, that token greenwash effort a lot of companies try to pretend that they actually care about yourself and the environment nearly as much as they care about the bottom line.

As such, it wasn't that surprising to be sent the following email, anonymised a bit in a vague attempt to prevent the source from job-loss.

999 abuse

For the past 71 years or so, dialling 999 from a phone in Britain has got you the emergency services. For the past 71 years or so it seems that people haven't got much wiser as to what the word "emergency" actually means.

Ringing up with nonsense clearly annoys the cops et al. not to mention puts people with genuine emergencies at risk, so what better way to find a silver lining in such annoyances as to create a comedy-classic CD of the dumbest 999 calls to be found?

Changing, borrowing and parting with money

No hard-hitting news, medical or otherwise, has come to the attention of the Poorhouse's massively insightful and genius-like brain today. This is probably mainly because he was semi-conscious working very hard most of the day. No matter, instead you can have some random ramblings, just like the Poorhouse in real life.

Firstly, how to beat Marks and Spencers currency exchange passport rule and no doubt breach international security. Imagine the situation: you need to change your currency quickish so you can get out of the country speedily. So you go into M&S' Bureau de Change and ask for £50 worth of Euros on your debit card. They say you need your passport to do this, but because you are a normal non-insane citizen you do not carry it around with you. What to do? It's raining outside, and you don't want to catch a chill.

News: Transformatitis Epidemic Alert

Parents and Doctors were today warned to be vigilant following a recent outbreak of childhood Transformatitis infections.

Originally a disease of the early 1980s, Transformatitis has steadily returned over the last few years, with medical experts predicting 30 new cases occurring in the last 2 weeks alone. The first cases of the disease were discovered in France by undercover health reporter M. Leclerc who declared in astonishment "Zut alors! Zer's robots in zeez guys!" The recent increase in cases is attributed to a decrease in the number of children being inoculated with the MMR (Minimizing Motor Robots) jab: Many parents refused to have their children immunised after a much publicised study two years ago that showed a (now discredited) link between the MMR jab and Autobotism.

A highly enticing product

The Poorhouse has returned to his normal geographical domain after the excesses of the Xmas holiday period - the duration of which was spent in nice rural villages, where one can see fields, big animals and even smell slurry as opposed to car fumes now and then.

Popular conception would however have it that ickle villages can be a little devoid of entertainment; so much so that the inhabitants turn to weird, sick and entirely hedonistic pleasures to pass the time of day. It was therefore with little surprise that the Poorhouse saw a beautiful little shop openly selling a service named in such a blatantly perverse manner that some of the more conservative members of British society may deem it really rather inappropriate, fools that they are.

Please see below for actual photographic pictures of what surely is going to be next Christmas' number one seller: the PUSSY PYRAMID.

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