Weird stuff

Work fitness

Office work is not only stultifyingly inefficient and mind-sapping, it's also bad for your body. For obvious reasons, if you're sitting around all day exercising only your mouse-finger you don't burn many calories. Couple that with plenty of sugary treats from the vending machines to ease the mundanity and keep you awake, and you get a risk of becoming overweight, bigstyle.

But of course, someone's invented a solution - the Office Treadmill. Designed for every average office situation, it even contains a flower vase grasper, a cup holder and pen and paper storage. How immensely practical.

Goat news: update

Some time ago we learnt that a certain Mr Tombe was forced - perhaps not too unwillingly, who knows - to marry a goat by Sudanese elders after being discovered being far, far too friendly with it. It is with deep sadness that the Poorhouse now has to report that said goat, a black and white honey named Rose, has died. Cause of death: choking on a plastic bag.

Those "Litter Kills" campaigns we used to see around were clearly devastatingly accurate.

Kryptonite is real (sort of)

Who will save you now?Who will save you now?It happens every time doesn't it? You book a nice summer holiday to go on, and the next day a previously-held-to-be-fictional chemical so poisonous it can kill the strongest of all beings is discovered there.

Yep, the Poorhouse will be heading off to Serbia in the rather-but-not-too distant future all being well. Other human beings exist there too, including the employees of mining company Rio Tinto who made a strange and novel discovery recently at the bottom of a mineshaft in that very country. Consisting of sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide, fans of a certain recent superhero film might remember, it can be only one thing: Kryptonite.

N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta

Science time! The formula above is a recently discovered rule of life that could lead to great pleasure for a huge number of people. To establish it, 700 variations of the same experiment had to be carried out, taking more than 1000 hours for expert researchers from the University of Leeds to complete. 50 volunteers were needed to participate to gain a viable quantity and quality of result interpretation.

Care to guess what it is?

McJob McAnger

Fairly or not, the prospects (for want of a better word) of "a job at McDonalds" is a threat oft-used by parents, teachers and other authoritarian figures to get their kids to work hard at school and learn something other than dirty sports songs and push-penny. Generally taken to mean a lowly, ill-paid, career-non-progressive, insulting job that really would be a hideous pain to have to turn up to each day, the highly respected Oxford English Dictionary has for several years defined the phrase "McJob" in the following manner:

McJob: an unstimulating, low-paid job with few prospects, esp. one created by the expansion of the service sector.

McDonalds aren't impressed.

How to split your assets fairly

Divorce rates in England and Wales have apparently gone down in the last few years to a mere 141750 divorces in 2005. Before you get too excited about true eternal love it should be said that so have actual marriage rates, so it is still the case that about half of marriages actually end in non-wedded not-bliss.

Part of the problem for those unlucky enough to go through such a thing is often dividing up the assets. Commonly the home is shared, and no detailed account of what who bought when, why and so on is kept, even without the complicatedness of compensating people for sacrifices they made and so on. One soon-to-be-ex German man decided he wanted things to be straight-down-the-line equal - so he bought a chainsaw.

Tory boy confesses crimes publically...or does he?

All this web 2.0 blogging your life in public has its downers. People are forever getting arrested for confessing to crimes via their myspace pages. They don't seem to understand that what you write in public is there...perhaps forever. This is a problem that has afflicted Wales' very own Tory Boy, Chris Chapman, the youngest person to have ever been a councillor in Wales, now just 19.

He is very down with the kids, so the Poorhouse bets Cameron et al. just love him. Listen to these inspiring (if somewhat sickeningly untrue) words:

The more I read, the more I was drawn to the principles of the Conservative Party - freedom of enterprise, freedom of choice, and freedom of opportunity for all members of society, regardless of their background.

Sadly, for the Conservatives, that's not all he's been saying. And yes, the word "myspace" made the House of Commons.

Suspect sausages

A SPICY sausage known as the Welsh Dragon will have to be renamed after trading standards' officers warned manufacturers that they could face prosecution because...

...wait for it... does not contain dragon.

Internet psychics fail to help the war effort

It has recently been revealed that the UK Ministry of Defence, presumably having far too much of our tax money spare to know what to do with, despite an illegal war here and there, started researching into psychic powers as weapons. And where better to source your psychic soldiers from than....the Internet. Yes indeed, apparently the MoD attempted to recruit 12 psychics that had no further qualification that advertising their services on the Internet. Nice work if you can get it.

School teacher reveals horrendous truth

Christmas is over for another year now, so it seems the perfect time to reveal a deep, dark truth.

Readers under the age of 18 close your eyes now. For everyone else - the red-n-white Santa Claus who flies via reindeer technology to every child's house on the 25th of December to give away presents as portrayed in all ye olde Xmas cards does not actually exist.

Anyone who has at this point not died of shock or become too miserable to continue might like to hear that the Poorhouse may have committed some horrendous breach of good faith by saying that. Certainly Ladysmith Junior School, Exeter, is in the ethereal Santa's "naughty" category from this point on.

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