Cups of magic

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Amazing new coffee makes you thin...apparently. The appallingly named "CoffeeSLENDER" has recently hit UK shores. It's a simple diet plan whereby after each meal you eat you ensure you have a cup of this magical coffee, and sit back watch the weight drop off.

It sounds a bit unlikely for sure, but to be fair the makers do give a bit of hardcore science as evidence. Certainly "normal" coffee is associated with weightloss, especially in the anecdotal world - although there seems some disagreement between ye olde wives as to whether drinking it helps or hinders weightloss. One obvious potential explanation is that as it is a proven diuretic you do lose weight, but only because you need to go urinate that extra bit more than usual. Less internal water = less weight.

CoffeeSLENDER however is especially awesome coffee (in their opinion) due to having a high amount of Svetol, which:

...reduces the amount of carbohydrate that is turned into this excess blood sugar. Instead of being converted into blood sugar and then fat, the carbohydrate passes through your system and is not absorbed by your body.

Check the studies if you're interested, and see what you think.

Anyhow, this is edging into the realms of undue sciencey stuff when all the Poorhouse really wanted to do was laugh at the "evidence" of whether or not it works that, everyone's favourite ignorant-rag, the Daily Mail presented. They gave 3 willing volunteers the product and asked them about the experience. The first one did lose weight (but it should be noted did also switch from a diet of snacking on chocolate and crisps to one deemed to be eating healthily). The second did not lose any weight at all. The last, and by far the Poorhouse's favourite did lose weight. And has inspired the Poorhouse to invent a brand new amazing guaranteed-to-work diet. Check out her report:

The past four weeks have been very difficult because the coffee is absolutely revolting.... Not enjoying the taste of the coffee worked to my advantage psychologically. Anytime I was tempted to pig out and have a burger or something naughty, I realised there was no point in downing three cups of pretty awful coffee a day if I wasn't going to stick to the other part of the diet, which was eating healthily.

Fair enough. So here's the Incredible New Poorhouse Diet.

  1. Print out this webpage. Yes, this very one you're reading right now!
  2. Use a photocopier or similar technology to blow it up to billboard-size
  3. Rub it in doggie-doo or a similarly unpleasant and sticky substance
  4. Eat a meal from a sensible healthy diet
  5. This is the important one! After every meal, push the huge, messy printout of this page into your mouth. Lick it, chew it, do whatever it takes until you have eaten the whole mega-page.
  6. Send me money
  7. Repeat until thin/dead

Money back guarantee offered!

"Might well work a treat!" said Dr Myself.
"I've never known anyone do it and not lose weight" - Dr Madeup.
"How ermmmm...original" - Dr Tactful.

Sometimes the Poorhouse amazes even itself with sheer inventiveness. Why there's no rich-house is rather beyond comprehension.

Moving on to finer drinks, coffee being the nasty-tasting fuel of the subservient masses, let's indulge in a bit of tea worship instead. Last year researchers found that the beautiful, wonderful cup of tea is actually a "healthier drink than water" - or at least they found enough to allow the BBC to cobble that headline together. Why so good? Well, contrary to certain perceptions apparently not only is tea just as good at rehydrating oneself as water, but a few cups a day also stops heart-attacks. It may even prevent cancer. It protects teeth, prevents cell damage and enhances bone strength (*). There is however no mention as to whether it literally turns you into Superman or not.

(*) Note: would you believe that this study was paid for by the Tea Council?


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