New words needed, mostly for Facebook

We need more, better, words. Presently, for the Poorhouse anyway, to do with the spiral of pointless, potentially humiliating time-wastingness that is Facebook.

More specifically, verbs are in demand. It has been discussed elsewhere (including by the very educational Linguistic Mystic) that "Facebooking" is itself a verb. But it's very unsatisfactory, being too long-winded by far for describing a process that often takes 5 seconds but is repeated 20 million times a day per person - arguably costing just businesses in Australia a nice $AUS 5 billion pounds per year.

After much, much intensive thought, discussion and peer review, the best the Poorhouse can come up with is the fairly-obvious abbreviation "fooking". This of course describes the activity of using facebook in any of its many nefarious, or even less nefarious, ways.

Sample conversation:

a) Did you have a nice day at the office dear?
b) Not bad my sweet, I spent most of it fooking.

It has the big bonus of sounding more than a little suspect. Worse so when you've been specifically Facebooking something, or more likely, someone.

a) Did you have a nice day at the office dear?
b) Not bad my sweet, I spent most of it fooking my colleague Marjorie.
a) Divorce court!

Propsective pain worth the convenient pleasure? Fook knows.

Next up, we need a word for the process of more in-depth, personal fooking. Sample activities would include checking your "friend's" (*) newsfeed rather too many times a day; flicking through all 25109 drunken mess photos of them and, even better, "wall-to-walling" a conversation between someone and a third party. Yes, no really personal messages should ever be entranced on the wall (or any of its annoying variants) but nonetheless there is still something a bit sordid about visually eavesdropping on a conversation that is ostensibly nothing to do with you.

Poorhouse attempt: "Falking"; a cunning conjunction of "Facebook" and "stalking".


a) How the hecking hell did you know I was friendly to your sheep last week?
b) Easy, I've been falking you for the last 3 days

a) Where does she live?
b) I have no idea, but she was born on 20th April 1983, has 2 sisters, works in Makro, has an A-level in physics from Oxford, has a weird mole under her arm and a strong liking for cheap vodka.
a) Gasps! Did you hire a private detective or something!?
b) No, just simple falking.

The final word for now that needs defining, and the Poorhouse has too much of a case of the C(an't) B(e) A(rsed)s to even attempt one at present, is something to describe that most annoying of Fook pages. The one where almost every stupid Facebook application ever has been inserted, with as many as possible being in the big fat main column above the wall. It's just so goddamn annoying, not to mention highly dangerous in the workplace - where you have to be both subtle and quick, "racebooking" perhaps? - when you have to scroll down 3.5 metres worth of screen want to do a bit of wall falking (erm..."walking"? The original definition of "walking" will after all soon probably be obselete should the rise of Facebook continue; even fooking by phone is not quite as pleasurable). The Poorhouse simply does not care how many vampires you have infected, or how you are 62% similar to one of your fake friends in terms of movies you probably never saw, when trying to falk the juicy gossip from your wall-to-walls.

It must be said this article sprung from both months of Poorhouse verbal discontent and the attempted emergence of a new word that is partially Facebook related. The word in question is "bacn" emerging from a group at Podcamp Pittsburgh.

It is a very very lame word in the Poorhouse's opinion (or should that be opnon), having both the uber-cliched missing vowels and disrespecting the good name of real-life bacon, but the phenomenon it describes is highly real, and highly irritating. To quote the creators:

Bacn is email you receive that isn’t spam...And isn't personal mail. It’s the middle class of email. It’s notifications of a new post to your Facebook wall or a new follower on Twitter. It’s the Google alert for your name and the newsletter from your favorite company.

Yep, it's not anywhere near the "make your man-bits bigger" spam awfulness, but seeing an inbox cluttered with "X wrote on your Wall", "X added you as a friend on Facebook", "X sent you a myspace message" and so on kind of cripples the brain a little. It would be less painful if the emails actually contained the message in question but no, oh no, just links to a website you have to log in to, find the right page and run down your notifications et al. Oh, the pain. Although it has to be said, it's not exactly put the Poorhouse off costing business billions via illicit networking as often as opportunity permits. Any Poorhouse friends that might read this, be assured should the pageful of notifications turn into zero, it would probably upset us more.

(*) in fact a new word for Facebook-friend would be useful. Far be it from the Poorhouse to appear jealous, but some people have a way, way unrealistic number of so called friends; the dictionary definitions tending to run along the lines of "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust".


face book friend...

... = fook-buddy of course!

Nice, thanks! Seems so

Nice, thanks! Seems so obvious in retrospect. I'll be using that from now on until it gets me into serious trouble anyway :-)

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