competitions

Click to eat

The web...friend of all those for whom leaving the house is the very last resort, only to be attempted in times of great trouble and strife. One obvious service you don't traditionally get so much via the web though is instant(ish) food to your door. Plenty of takeaways to phone (remember the old days when you had to speak to people? When you dialled numbers rather than Google?), but not so many to click your mouse at in the UK; especially for those outside the capital city of London.

Matched betting calculator

The below bit of Javascript is a calculator to help with the wonderful way of making free money known as matched betting. It is based entirely on the information and files gleaned from the moneysavingexpert forums so all credit to the extremely helpful and generously informative netizens who hang out there.

More free money - betting without the risk

Gambling is a fool's game, no? The chances of you doing anything other than losing everything you earn are obviously so low that bookies will actually pay you seriousish money to sign up and play away. Except, upon closer inspection, it turns out that there is a pretty fool-proof method to consistently take the large pots of free money and run. It is mostly risk-free, understandable to someone not from Mensa, and best of all in no way dodgy.

How I made nearly £50 in 15 mins of clicking

In the course of potential future-avoidance of any sort of future tedious grindstones known as "paid employment", the Poorhouse is gratefully experimenting with any sort of half-dodgy webdeal to raise a quick buck. A couple of days ago, one such plan came up trumps, and a swift 15 minutes of so of quite fun web-clicking raised £45.88. And - apologies for sounding like nothing more than a filthy spam-merchant - there was no risk involved, other than the ability to have some self restraint.

Here, for your delectation, is how to do it.

Even bigger bigger burger

It has been brought to the Poorhouse's attention that it is unfair to highlight such corporate evil-doers as McDonalds and Burger King as the only sellers of ridiculously death-inducing burgers (*). Let's take a look at the Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub.

A while back, they offered an immense 6lb burger, supplemented with a mere 5lbs of unspecified "toppings". It also comes with a three hour eating time-limit. This challenge was first conquered by "a 100-pound female college student". Yes, she ate a burger weighing more than a tenth of her entire body weight. Special prize? A certificate, t-shirt and $23.95 refund - which could naturally be put towards any forthcoming hospital bills.

Phone throwing

Forget the football, tennis and other dull sports. Come 26th August 2006 it will be time for this year's Mobile Phone Throwing Championships.

Entering its sixth year, get yourself down to Savonlinna, Finland for a variety of events, ranging from the traditional (how far can you throw it?), to the freestyle (extra points for style and appearance) with some kids-only events to get the destruction of expensive electronic equipment out of their system.

Don't worry about damaging your precious telecommunications device; a selection of potential partners weighing between 220 and 400 grams will be awaiting your hurling technique.

£10,000,000 humiliation

Big Brother 7 has started. Quarter of a year of televisual depravity that the Poorhouse wouldn't even contemplate watching a minute of let alone setting up mega complex multichannel recording schedules to avoid missing even a second of the meaningless drivel. The presence of the BB gossip headlines down towards the bottom of the right hand column of this website is...a computer error we imagine.

So they picked the 14 crazies to go in, but there's one left. It could be you. The deal is you buy plenty of Kit Kats, and find one out of a hundred golden tickets - does this story sounds familiar? Out of those 100, 1 person will supposedly get to go be a Big Brother contestant, subject to security, medical, and "will you get your boobs out" checks.

World's ugliest dog

Several million times more interesting, but perhaps a tad meaner, than the Crufts show is the similarly doggy competition "World's Ugliest Dog". Its reigning star is Sam, who beat all other competitors hands down. The picture to the right may help explain why, and also scare away any children who happen to be wandering through the Poorhouse.

Sam, like a good wine, clearly matured with age and won the competition three times consecutively. Apparently he gained something of a cult following. According to his owner Susie Lockheed, "So many people have told me they've got his picture on their refrigerator". Presumably these would be people who are on a serious, serious diet.

Doodling's a doddle

Random scribbleRandom scribble

Two men who clearly have far two much time on their hands (unlike The Poorhouse) have made a sport out of scribbling.

We've all played it: drawing a random squiggle and challenging a friend to make it into a "wonderful" piece of art (or perhaps its just me in my innocent youth). Most get bored of it after a few resulting smiley faces and anthropomorphicised animals. But these two dood-les, Campbell and the enigmatically named "Mr Squiggle" have been locked in a blog-war for months, setting each other numerous squiggle-challenges. The only rule is that the original doodle must be visible in the final artwork. Hardly going to impress the hoity-toity higher echelons of the art world, but I think you'll agree quite impressive from their humble beginnings. You can see their hours of hard work here

Hamshahri hijinks - making the world a more dangerous place

Tom and Jerry never went this farTom and Jerry never went this farEarlier this month, a Danish paper called Jyllands-Posten printed some cartoons depicting the Islamic prophet Muhammad in a number of "satirical" scenes, including some clearly showing him as a terrorist. Portrayal of Muhammed in this way is not only distasteful, insensitive and downright foolish given the current state of the world, but is regarded by many as direct contravention of the Islamic religion.

Since then pretty much everyone must be aware that there have been many, many protests, riots and worse throughout the world. This included an unacceptably offensive one here in Britain where a handful of protesters called for the beheading of unbelievers and a repeat terrorist attack on Britain amongst other niceties. Contrary to popularly-ignorant non-Islamic opinion though, this offensive protest was essentially tiny and apparently involved some extremist groups already outlawed by the Government. A larger, peaceful demonstration against both the publication of the cartoons and the violence they inspired has subsequently taken place in the UK. Unfortunately a relatively tiny minority of violent extremists through the world are still causing death and destruction over the cartoons; they must be immediately apprehended and removed from being a danger to society.

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