excuses

Professional sickie-pulling

The workplace. No-one likes it really do they? For good reason. JimmerUK explains it, probably better than the Poorhouse could.

…we're not meant to like it, if we did it would be called 'Fun'. Phrases like "How was your day at Fun dear?", or "I can't go out tonight, I've got Fun in the morning" would be the norm.

They have gone the further wonderful step of producing a guide to getting yourself some free extra breaks from the office, based on the age old technique known as pulling a sickie.

Taking GPS commands too literally

The Poorhouse has long fantasised about testing how well one can drive solely by using the latest and greatest GPS satellite navigation technology. Admittedly, despite attempts at live traffic updates and the like, the days of being able to actually close ones' eyes and rely on that grating "After two-hundred metres...turn left. Turn left. Turn LEFT!" dominatrix are probably not here just yet. Nonetheless it sounds like a fun thing to do.

I can't come into work because...

We all know that, on the whole, employment sucks. Who wants to spend 50+ years doing some tedious set of tasks to grind the wheels of capitalism? Well it doesn't really matter what you think, because most often if you want to stay alive and well you're going to have to. Boo.

It is therefore of little surprise that much time is taken up dwelling on methods of getting out of a few days work without encountering the termination of ones employment. There are no doubt many classic tales, but James Snyder and Mary Jensen went further than most.

Free, royal and transforming goats

Back for moreBack for moreToday is the 10-day anniversary of our potentially ongoing series of goat news, so what better way to celebrate than by offering the chance to win a goat? Not that the Poorhouse has one, and moreover actually it's too late. Nonetheless had you been a) a bit earlier, and probably b) a bit better at rugby, you could have joined Scottish "stars" Chris Paterson and Marcus Di Rollo at a charitable rugby tournament - first prize being a herd of goats.

The Scots aren't the only ones to fancy a bit of goat. Last month saw the coronation of King Louis. Now, it's not what you're thinking, the French Sun King has not been reborn 300-odd years after saying his final goodbyes. Rather, Louis is a wild mountain boy-goat from Ireland's highest mountain, Carrauntoohill. As part of the Puck Fair (we said 'Puck' - although to be fair the festival is thought to have "fertility" connotations) a goat is regularly crowned as being the King of Ireland.

Goats are even better

Me again!Me again!Yes readers, thanks to our latest addition, we now present to you the second part of this week's Goat news. Here, again, we see the level of dear love that the world has for these creatures, wholly unrealised by the Poorhouse until this point.

Let's start with drunkenness. Alcohol mixed with goats is a dangerous game. So found Carl Myles, age should-know-better 20 who got drunk. The alcohol inebriation exerted its typical symptoms of lowering his inhibitions. Oh dear.

Boris offends Papua New Guinea

Boris Johnson , Britain's only human MP, has recently struck again. Being, unlikely as it sounds, a member of the Conservative party, previously notorious for its catastrophic leadership in-fighting, he took some pleasure in the recent Blair vs Brown battles. To quote:

"For 10 years we in the Tory Party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour Party."

Unfortunately, whilst its childish nature and un-politician-like honesty was fine with the clowns in Parliament, it was not so fine with Papua New Guinea's High Commissioner in London, Jean Kekedo.

Goats are good

In a week tediously dominated (according to UK mass media) by the largely pointless childish squabbling of our political rulers in the (New) Labour party as to who is the biggest bestest tyrant of all, it was with great pleasure that the Poorhouse received some breaking goat news.

The species has famously been applauded for its firm, if over-violent, way of dealing with menacing trolls. It seems they have yet more virtuous talents, namely maintaining speed limits in the dangerous world of automobile driving.

Pump action weapon

Reader poll: What's worse - embarrassing yourself in front of your mother or three years in prison?

A certain Mardin Amin went for the latter option. In this post 9/11, 7/7, bombs-made-out-of-fizzy-drinks-scare world, airport security might well be at an all time high. Almost everything is scanned, and if a bottle of Coca-cola might be a bomb then so might a mysterious black object that looks like a grenade. Understandably, Mr Amin was challenged as to what it was. Less understandably, his reply was "a bomb".

Bad driver warning

Information follows to alert the readers of the Poorhouse to a brave new initiative from the Government.

Information Release

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

Tiger Woods is a spastic

Tiger Woods apologised today for saying "on the green i was a spaz".

Perhaps we need to direct Mr Woods to the extraordinary dolls article so he can find a friend just like him?

He really shouldn't worry so much - I'm a complete spaz when i first get up and i'm sure we can all empathise....

The Times website has produced a list of previous gaffes made by sporting stars here although i am at a loss to justify what this has to do with poor tiger spazzing up his golf yesterday.

Can't get the pictures to work properly - fatal errors galore - so you shall have to imagine a very special person in your mind's eye i'm afraid.

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