food

Click to eat

The web...friend of all those for whom leaving the house is the very last resort, only to be attempted in times of great trouble and strife. One obvious service you don't traditionally get so much via the web though is instant(ish) food to your door. Plenty of takeaways to phone (remember the old days when you had to speak to people? When you dialled numbers rather than Google?), but not so many to click your mouse at in the UK; especially for those outside the capital city of London.

Eating the grape

Grape: day 184Talk about end of an era. 184 days after the Poorhouse first got an urge to eat a raisin followed by an irrational desire to create one from scratch (well, from a grape) to test if the apocryphal story of what they come from was true, the experiment is over.

The world has changed plenty in the past half year, but has the grape?

Autumn soup

As winter draws near and the UK becomes increasingly more arctic-like, the Poorhouse feels inclined to share this (untested) autumnal recipe. As well as it involving essentially just two instructions - and one is "take out a leaf" - it is also confirmed by a 100% genuine Weightwatchers leader that it contains zero points for all you dieters. If anyone does bother to make it, taste reviews are appreciated.

Here we go: Pointless Soup.

Even bigger bigger burger

It has been brought to the Poorhouse's attention that it is unfair to highlight such corporate evil-doers as McDonalds and Burger King as the only sellers of ridiculously death-inducing burgers (*). Let's take a look at the Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub.

A while back, they offered an immense 6lb burger, supplemented with a mere 5lbs of unspecified "toppings". It also comes with a three hour eating time-limit. This challenge was first conquered by "a 100-pound female college student". Yes, she ate a burger weighing more than a tenth of her entire body weight. Special prize? A certificate, t-shirt and $23.95 refund - which could naturally be put towards any forthcoming hospital bills.

Try a little sunscreen

Try a little sunscreenThey're right, sunbathing can be dangerous.

(Click picture to enlarge)

Cheaper railway station food

What's the most expensive commodity in the world? Diamonds? Platinum? Illegal drugs? Erm no, it's probably railway station food. £10 a glass of water, £20 a Mars Bar, taking advantage of stranded and most often delayed passengers is a profitable enterprise.

Try to reclaim a tiny amount of your hard-earned cash without dying of starvation and dry-mouth with the Bite card. Flash it around Upper Crust, Millie's Cookies, Delice de France and all those other ridiculous pseudo-"European" food-shops for a 20% discount.

Not just chocolate pudding...

Doesn't look disgustingDoesn't look disgustingMarks and Spencers is a rather posher-than-average supermarket, currently most famous for its "Not just xxxxxx, M&S xxxxxx" adverts - if it doesn't sound over catchy it should be said that xxxxxx is replaced with the name of a tasty-sounding food product said in a near-orgasmic voice. The inspiration of many spoofs - for example "Not just Anthrax, American anthrax" would be an obvious one. Back in M&S land though, most notable of all is probably its chocolate puddings. Mmmm.

Shells of delicious chocolate sponge (so we're told - please feel free to send one to the Poorhouse for checking) which split open to reveal liquid chocolate lovliness, the advert does them proud. So much so that the campaign, directed by Steve Sharp ("It made you want to lick the telly!" he says, modestly), saw sales of the pud rise by about 3500%. It may even have begun the recovery of the troubled M&S.

Cheese sandwiches not great for diets

Weight-loss diets and normal modern-day living really don't exist in a happy mix. What common sense may suggest is a good wholesome food is not quite what reality, or even the Weightwatchers diet, might say.

One extra special example of these is the opposite-of-famous ASDA cheese and tomato sandwich. Whoo. What harm could it do, a slice of bread or two, a smattering of dairy produce and some humble vegetables (sorry, fruit). The Poorhouse will tell you exactly what harm: 16 and a half points of mother-lumping harm.

Even sillier sized burger

Just a few brief months after McDonalds released their entirely unnecessary but accurately named "Bigger Big Mac", it seems Burger King have raised the stakes even higher. About 3 times higher.

Yes, in a way similar to how Gillette now sell razors with 5 million blades on ("for added smoothness"), Burger King have brought out a 4-burger bun (for added lumpiness). Christened the "Stacker Quad", for now it's only available in America, but that's not to say it won't be with us in the UK soon. A close examination shows that it's not only the beefburgers that appear in excess.

Nutty warnings

Sure, the form of anaphylaxis known as nut allergy is a serious - potentially deadly - business, and sufferers need to know what is safe for them to eat. However, given almost every product in the known universe contains a nut warning it has already been alleged years ago that the effect of such warnings is weak and confusing.

The Poorhouse was therefore uber-jubilant to discover that manufacturers still haven't got round to redesigning their packaging, and there existed an ultra-ridiculous, even by conventional standards, nut warning on a pack of Tesco Healthy Living Natural Bio yoghurt. The product itself sounds pretty foul, but the nut warning was crazy enough to make it an object of pure hilarity.

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