food

Eat dirt

Most seven year olds probably shove something inappropriate into their mouths now and then. It therefore doesn't seem that surprising that the pictured woman once ate a bit of muddy grass in her youth.

What is a tad more unusual is that since then, spanning 11 years and 3 tonnes of mud, she has willingly feasted on all the finest dirt that money can't buy. She's still actually mad keen on it. Things have changed though. Her new favourite tasty treat is yellow mud. In her words, it's "quite tasty".

Unfortunately this happens to be the exact same material that her neighbour's roof is made from. You guessed it, this woman reportedly can't be dissuaded from eating her neighbour's house.

Toxic Smarties

Smarties: suicide pills?Smarties: suicide pills?Only Smarties have the answer...to why you suffer serious nerve damage, poor mental health, hyperactivity, skin rashes and cancer that is. No, it's nothing about the shocking radical overhaul from the beautiful classic 68-year-old Smarties tube to the new Hexatube, which in itself defeats object two of Smarties; collecting the caps. Rather the nutritional - for want of a better word - content of the sweet pills themselves.

Following claims from health campaigners that the crazy coloured additives in Smarties do all sorts of harm to children, Nestle are preparing to make them without the artificial colourings, to improve their "nutritional quality". The Poorhouse is not sure if that is a legitimate term to apply to pellets of chocolate and sugar, but assumes taking some of the poison out is nonetheless a good step.

Pimp your snack

Enhanced snack: vat of tea requiredEnhanced snack: vat of tea requiredFor many people, the last thing they want when starving for a mega meal is to be told they are receiving a "snack". Whilst they might be super tasty in many cases, they are also often tragically unfulfilling due to their diminutive size. But it seems this does not have to be the case.

PimpMySnack.com contains many recipes designed to "take snacks to the limit", or in their words "It's a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge.". Basically, take your favourite snack and supersize it. Anyone fancy a Monster Ferrero Rocher weighing nearly one-and-a-half kilogram? Who wouldn't!

McDonalds revealed

Big Mac: could be biggerBig Mac: could be biggerForgive the inclusion of 2 articles about weird-ass food you shouldn't eat straight after each other, but...Aha! The shroud of deceit has fallen. Seeing recent adverts throughout the media you might be forgiven for thinking that McDonalds is some ethical pro-worker environmentally friendly wunder-company that likes nothing better than feeding school children with extra-nutritious apples and lettuce at the same time as buying them footballs to keep them healthy. Well, until you entered an actual McDonalds store anyway...or read how the salad is (or for fear of being sued let's say was) fattier than the Cheeseburger.

According to an article in the Independent, it seems that McDonalds have decided to give it up and settle to the business they do best - brainwash-marketing and feeding immensely fatty bits of "meat" to whoever can afford the prices (which, sadly in this case, is most of the population).

MOFA forkers

Alien veg: irritatedAlien veg: irritatedEarth is under attack - and not just from the Bush administration. Hitherto our constant friend and nourishment, even our food is turning out against humanity. For evidence of this factoid, simply go visit the Museum Of Food Anomolies. There you can see such "freakish extremes of seemingly benign food stuffs" as Satan in my Cereal Bowl, Angry Lemon and even an edible Ampersand (if you consider such arcane punctuation innately evil).

If you have come into contact with such monstrous nutritional items, be sure to send 'em in to the curator.

An expensive sandwich

A sandwich: Didn't cost £85.50A sandwich: Didn't cost £85.50Sandwiches - not a meal substitute per se, but a good way of consuming large amounts of food without any associated washing up. It is however a strange fact of life that invariably even the nastiest old cheese sandwich in damp bread prepacked sandwich has a cost at least 50 times what it would actually cost to make it. Bread and cheese that would cost micropennies to purchase separately somehow become much much more than their combined value when put together and enclosed in a plastic triangle.

Full flavour behaviour

Next in the line of ridiculously faddy-sounding diets is the Flavour Diet. Devised by Mr and Mrs Katz (or more accurately Dr and Dr Katz) it is no doubt available at a bookshop near you. The deal behind this particular food-limiting fest is as follows: forget (mostly) about all those boring and hard to understand points, calories and so forth and instead be sure to only eat foods that are the same flavour as each other on any particular day. And yes, one day is chocolate day. Yum!

As an example of what you might be letting yourself in for, ABC News carries some recipes for apple day, and of course some chocolate brownies for that special day.

EXTREME pumpkinery

That looks soreThat looks sore"Pumpkin carving at it's wildest!" Bold claim - but the guys from ExtremePumpkins.com are probably not far wrong. Irate that these days grotty little kids carve lame old smiles into the big old round fruit, Tom from Extreme Pumpkins is determined to extremify the age-old craft back into the hands of adults.

Go visit his site for info on how to design and implement some sick 'n' twisted pumpkin designs to horrify the neighbours and mentally scar children. In his words: "You aren't a girl scout so why are you still carving your pumpkins the way they do?"

Weightwatchers' food: a 1974 horror feature

What IS that liquid?What IS that liquid?Dieter's favourite (or is that least favourite?) company Weightwatchers holds a "special place" in the heart of the Poorhouse. It is apparently the 47th best small company in the UK to work for; "small" presumably being a state of mind rather than any other size-related reflection of what probably is the biggest diet company in the UK.

Its current range of foodstuffs is usually good for a laugh. Of particular note at present are the irresponsibly-named "Simply Fruit". Imagine some real fruit with plenty of extremely non-simple chemicals added, as much natural tastiness removed as possible and put in environmentally unfriendly amounts of packaging at a nice high cost. There we go: "Simply Fruit". Not all of their products are distasteful mind, the "Chocolate Whips" are a smorgasbord of sticky "chocolaty" goodness if you don't mind the taste of the chemical flavourings factory permeating through. But things weren't always this wonderful in the deep dark past.

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