the workplace

Company rules

Life wasn't all fun back in the day (the 18-19th century day that is) working in t'mill. Not even a socially progressive establishment such as Jebediah Strutt's mill in Belper - where children weren't sent to work there until they were maybe 8 or 9 years old, and despite your standard cotton-mill environmental conditions you did get one day off a week, preferably for education.

Nonetheless even in this shining example of a workforce cared for by its owner there had to be some rules. The Poorhouse was lucky enough to see evidence of these rules in person on a recent trip back into the mists of time.

School teacher reveals horrendous truth

Christmas is over for another year now, so it seems the perfect time to reveal a deep, dark truth.

Readers under the age of 18 close your eyes now. For everyone else - the red-n-white Santa Claus who flies via reindeer technology to every child's house on the 25th of December to give away presents as portrayed in all ye olde Xmas cards does not actually exist.

Anyone who has at this point not died of shock or become too miserable to continue might like to hear that the Poorhouse may have committed some horrendous breach of good faith by saying that. Certainly Ladysmith Junior School, Exeter, is in the ethereal Santa's "naughty" category from this point on.

Away in a sweatshop

Something seasonal - well, at least it's the right month. The Poorhouse wishes a very merry forthcoming Christmas to all and sundry. One rather large subsection of the population who won't be swilling back the brandy and eating stupid amounts of pudding or in any way be having a semblance of a good time will of course be those who are forced to work in a sweatshop. They will most likely still be near-slaving away for pennies in illegal, dangerous and entirely amoral conditions, to make the things us especially in the "developed" western world like to pointlessly buy throw away as often as possible, especially at this time of year.

Even if you don't want to entirely eschew your consumerist lifestyle and spend your time changing the world to free these modern-day-slaves, then at least let's remember them throughout the holiday season.

Think about your job ads

If prospective employers want us mere wage slaves to put some grammatical, spelling, presentational and general all around goodness into our lies CVs then it seems only fitting that they put some into their adverts.

There have no doubt been huge amounts of cockups through the ages, but a brief scan of this week's edition of a local city newspaper showed even arbitrary random inspection could produce a couple of embarrassing entries.

Professional sickie-pulling

The workplace. No-one likes it really do they? For good reason. JimmerUK explains it, probably better than the Poorhouse could.

…we're not meant to like it, if we did it would be called 'Fun'. Phrases like "How was your day at Fun dear?", or "I can't go out tonight, I've got Fun in the morning" would be the norm.

They have gone the further wonderful step of producing a guide to getting yourself some free extra breaks from the office, based on the age old technique known as pulling a sickie.

Too many keys spoil the safe

There is something about working in an bog-standard office job for more than a few minutes which not only causes an insatiable urge to find some illicit outlet for the dull tedium but also ruins the creativity, knowledgeableness and problem-solving parts of the average employee's brain. Too often newcomers see the most ridiculous setups, workflows and insane rules, but attempts to bring rationality to the workplace invariably ends with so much resistance that the neophyte falls into the trap of believing that yes, we always did it like that and it is therefore the one true way. All creative thought is therefore transmuted to finding silly games to play, or purchasing USB missile launchers.

I can't come into work because...

We all know that, on the whole, employment sucks. Who wants to spend 50+ years doing some tedious set of tasks to grind the wheels of capitalism? Well it doesn't really matter what you think, because most often if you want to stay alive and well you're going to have to. Boo.

It is therefore of little surprise that much time is taken up dwelling on methods of getting out of a few days work without encountering the termination of ones employment. There are no doubt many classic tales, but James Snyder and Mary Jensen went further than most.

Bypass port restrictions on cPanel and WHM

cPanel and WHM are nice friendly systems that allow one to configure much of a web/ftp/email server with ease using nothing but your web browser. It is commonly made available by web servers that offer shared hosting packages, and includes a webmail package to allow you to access your personal email remotely. Just right for those boring office hours where you need a few hundred hours break from doing what you're paid for.

Ban "high priority" email

Oh no you didn't!Oh no you didn't!Yes, I know, your email is important. Ever so important. So important you felt the need to set it to high priority urgent must do or the world will end. Along the other 5 emails you sent about your pet cat's slight illness.

Ah, email rage. Most prevalent and annoying in the tedious office workplace. Nothing (much) annoys the Poorhouse more than the persistent, repeat misuse of the high priority option; that which Microsoft Outlook shows as a grating red exclamation mark in your inbox. That which ensures your email will be the last one the Poorhouse finds the time to read. Fortunately, there is a defence. In Outlook, it's known as "Rules".

Skive browse 2: workFriendly

Hot on the heels of Ghostzilla comes another solution to that most horrific of problems – how to spend your office-working day playing on the Internet without receiving a vicious sacking.

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