The robo-birds and the bees

Welcome readers. In the first of what probably won't actually turn out to be a series of cartoony but educational excitement, the Poorhouse is setting out to learn about the birds and the bees from none other than the uber-authoritative source that is the Usborne book of "How Your Body Works". We have previously seen how stupid abstinence based programmes like the Silver Ring Thing are ineffective and probably dangerous, so let's see if this book teaches us a bit more about the inner workings of...snigger

Costing a humongous £3.50 probably a couple of decades or so ago, this book works on the cheesy-as premise that "In many ways, your body is like a marvellous machine". As such, and as a nod in the direction of the kid-friendliness this book designed for maybe 11-year olds wants to take, each body-bit is graphically illustrated as a cartoon machine.

The Poorhouse knows you're just here for the naked pictures, so without further ado, let's look at the female of the species: here is the dirty biatch Mum machine.

Hot, no? Massive sex on wheels.

Now before you go blind, please note the verb adjective(*) "cushiony" on the speech bubble on the bottom. Previously thought by the Poorhouse to be something of a Nintendo construction, it seems Usborne had the word out on da street years before Wii was spelt with two I's.

(*) Thanks mum for the grammar lesson.

Along with the robotic tit on the front of the machine and a small women's size brain on a string, please regardez vous aussi the "special opening" of the female. "Special" is a very much favoured Usborne word when dealing with the groinal area of even robotic sex machines. In fact the page, euphemistically titled "How a Baby Starts" rather than "How to be an Easy Date", has no less than eight times during its instructions informational content. These include "special opening", "special parts", "special muscles", "special cells", "special bits" and even "special times".

Right, one she-bot alone isn't enough for special times. Here's yo daddy:

Poor, flaccid, unexcited dad; his penis coil hangs down limply. As the bubbles say, this is not good enough, we need it to get long and strong to reach inside any sort of special opening. How to do this?

Fear not, this isn't some poor old broken machine, but rather this virile stud simply isn't, as you can see on the left, having "special times".

This one, however, is:

Bbbbdoing! The blood machine is a-pumping, the spongy walls are turgid with red-juice and the coil of pleasure has grown long and strong, not to mention developing a vibrating end-piece.

Please note the hearts coming out of the brain; it is important to note that without true heart-ridden love this operation could never, ever succeed.

Time now though to revert to considering the special opening. Long and strong as it is, the special dad-bits may not have the immense power needed to penetrate mummy's special opening. Luckily, due to the power of mutual love and respect, the vagina (how could they say such words!?) gets "soft and stretchy", a little like a kitten some might say. Here's how to tessellate the torrid child-creation equipment.

Shamone! Note that if the softness and stretchiness is not at optimum levels, the dad machine's head is ideally placed to nibble of the mum machine's robo-nipple. The instructions for this though presumably come in a more advanced instruction manual.

Seconds minutes / hours later things get a bit messy. What can only be described as a heart-filled love explosion occurs, creating thick red jagged lines around the participants, no matter what time of the month it is. Special muscles come into play, and daddy shoots a load of man-oil into girl-bot's cushiony lining. The Poorhouse knows you're only here for the money-shot, so here it is. Sperlunk!

Job very much done.

Epilogue: Unfortunately the scanner could only fit in a page at a time, so the aftermath of the "what happens next" teaser from the above illustration is unavailable at this time. Suffice to say, the Dad Machine ends up in hospital with a green rotting coil, Mummy Bot has a scare when she "fell" down the stairs but in the end, after turning to alcohol as a form of self-medication, a slightly weird-looking babybot came out of the special opening. Unfortunately by this time Mummy Machine had been forced to start selling herself to support both her baby-bot and her crack habit, which led to immense childhood resentment building up within baby-bot and a disastrous outcome for both himself and his classmates. Troubled times.



This is SO wrong! Why use all those big words and then use pictures of machines instead??!

Any illusions I ever had are

Any illusions I ever had are now wonder the product of this process fails to recognise that "cushiony", as used in the speech bubble, is (with thanks to Usborne's Book of Better English) an adjective!

Ooops, a mixture of Too Much

Ooops, a mixture of Too Much Information and embarassing lack of grammatical knowledge on my part there methinks! Ta for the correction. I will subtley remove my ignorance imminently.

Do you really think that

Do you really think that kittens are stretchy?

Hmm...I would guess so. I've

Hmm...I would guess so. I've never really tried, but they look stretchy. I've seen a mouse stretch beforeif memory serves.

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